Can I tell you a story....

I could hear the screams from outside. "It's not too late, we could turn around". 

It was too late, I promised. 

We entered, the screams louder. The smell of sweat hit my nostrils, so intense, it pushed my body back. 

We proceeded. 

Everywhere I looked bodies were melting,  tumbling, and running. They stripped us of our shoes and jackets. I held tight to my purse. 

The screams were louder, but now, there were faces to match the bellows. 

Carpets were stained and the walls were bare. 

I turned to look for my children but they were gone. I could see them bobbing amongst the others every so often. 

"Would they come back to me.... Would they be in one piece?" 

Just then a girl ran past with blood pouring from her lips "Papa!!! Papa!!!!" 

I have to find them. 

I have to help them ... survive!! 

Sweat was dripping off me now, the screams pulsing in my ear, my eyes shifting back and forth, scanning across the stench filled room. 

"Yes!! There they are! " 

I rushed to them only fast enough to not stir the other parents who had entered some kind of zombie state.

"I could not let that happen to me, I must stay alert!"

  It had been about two hours and we were still alive but we were worn down. 

It was time to get the hell out of dodge!!

I whistled,they followed, and when the coast was clear, we shot out the front snatching our belongings. Never looking back,we managed to pile in the car. 

We drove off, our bodies still vibrating.  We survived. 

As we drove away Damos asked " can I have my birthday there next year?" 

"We will see Damos,we will see". 

How To "Console" a child

I'm pretty sure we had been washing cars for about five hours. My younger cousin and one of the neighbor kids were selling lemonade at the corner of our street. If we were lucky they would make at the most ten bucks. We were at $12.50 from washing cars and that was only because one guy felt sorry for us and gave us a five dollar bill. It was getting late and the store closed soon.

We counted up all the earnings and surprisingly we had enough. My older cousin and one of the neighbor kids took off to the store on there bikes. About 40 minutes later they returned. 

THEY GOT IT!!!! 

 Street Fighter II for Super Nintendo!!

For the next week we had tournaments. There was about ten of us so it wasn't a lot of play time but it was an event!!

There was screaming,teasing, fighting, food, crying, laughing and of course cheering. There were bets, dares, and more important then anything else there was rules and if you broke them you were likely to get a "Hadoken" to the face. 

That was over twenty years ago. Today kids get games by the handfuls and most likely they are NOT buying themselves. Let alone scrubbing cars for them. 

They are not about karate and " Flawless Victories" any more. They are extremely realistic and life consuming. They are intense and the average kid/teenager plays for 13.8 hours a week. Yep almost 2 hours a day. A child is in school for 8 hours and then 2 hours of gaming, add in the 12 hours of sleep they should be getting that leaves 2 hours to eat, bath,homework and oh yeah physical activity. Most children are not engaging with other children while playing. This is an isolated experience they are having with violent and meaningless experiences.

I hear parents yelling at there kids to get off there games, phones,IPads, kindles, and computers but are just as quick to walk away with no follow through, thankful for the electronic babysitters. 

 I think for some of us we remember playing video games with friends or family. The innocence of  "1ups" and reaching the next level linger in our minds. The comradeship of working together to "save the princess" is what we were hoping for, for our children when we bought them those little black boxes from hell. 

And I would like to be perfectly clear I understand that there are video games that are NOT violent and negative. Games with no killing and murder. I get that BUT it's the idea of playing ALONE and how much they play on 

their IPhone by themselves,

their DS by themselves,

their computer by themselves!!!

They no longer plug their shit in and take turns blowing on their games to get them working. They are flying solo in a world that is becoming less and less real life. 

So to the parents who are fine letting their child get lost in a virtual world I just ask from one parent to another........

A Christmas Story

This will be my last post until after Christmas. At this very moment I'm anxious, tired, and ready. Although this year,I feel excited and eager for it to pass, equal measures. 

WHY?? 

Because of what I see. 

Why does Christmas put so many people in a crazy, stressed out, hate my life mood??

Whether it's the stores manipulating you to "buy! buy!buy!" or the people complaining about the stores manipulation, there is negativity no matter which way you turn. It's the family who complains about having to travel or the family members who are too stubborn or selfish to show up to the once a year get togethers. It's in the voices of the stressed out customers not getting the exact deal they were promised on their latest E-coupon.Everywhere you look you see it..... The "Christmas spirit " is dying. 

 

Let's go back about twenty three years. 

I was eight, and all I wanted for Christmas was a Chicago Bulls parka,

(Don't judge! This was actually dope in the 90's), and I had told EVERYONE that I knew that this is what I wanted. I went to sleep that Christmas Eve knowing I was getting it. I was sure. I was positively sure. 

I woke up the next morning, at what must have been sunrise, and I flew to the living room. There were three presents. One to me, and one to each of my sisters. There wasn't one for my brother which I thought was odd but Santa must have thought he was too little to care (he was a baby). "Who cares!" I dug in. This was it! Everyone at school would think I was so cool....jeans!! They were jeans. I wanted to cry but I held it in. I looked at my sister she was trying on her new Bulls jacket. Santa got her the jacket!!! I told he was confused,it was for me. She insisted it was for her. 

For the next year I watched her wear my jacket to school. Someone stole it from her before it could be passed down to me. Christmas around my house got more and more bleak until non-existent. I didn't wake up early on Christmas morning anymore. 

Skip ahead,I'm fifteen and a lot has changed.I have a full time job,I'm making a lot of money for a teenager but I have responsibilities. But although a lot had changed I still remembered. I remember being disappointed and I didn't want that for my little brother and sister and I could do something about that. I bought presents, I bought a tree,I decorated,  even made Santas footprints with flour. The next morning I woke up early. 

They were so happy! Jumping up and down. Christmas came while they were sleeping!!

I had lost the Christmas spirit when I was eight and here I was at fifteen (and some change) gaining it all back. It wasn't because I was able to buy them stuff it was because they knew the were remembered and loved. 

I am thirty one,and have my own kids now, (as you loyal readers know), and I still love Christmas. I love baking, I love seeing family that live far away, I love giving. I love the lights, the smells and the smiles. I love wine with friends, warm fires, wrapping presents, and of course the food!!

So when I see the stressed and angry faces running about,I can't help but think, I am so thankful for my forgotten Christmas pasts. I am thankful for the present one and for those to come. I am thankful I learned a hard lesson early in life. I am thankful for the hardships that have come and passed that helped my children learn a hard lesson early in life. 

Christmas is a feeling, a smile, a hug, a memory, it's love. 

So ...... 

Slow down, don't worry, smile, share, laugh, and help keep the spirit of Christmas alive. 

Nobody wants to be around this guy on Christmas.....

MERRY CHRISTMAS!! Happy holidays!! HAPPY HANUKKAH!! Happy KWANZA!!! 

(Whatever floats your boat) 😁

. 

It's A Wonderful Life (kinda)

I was Christmas shopping last night and we went to Walmart (stocking stuffers don't judge me).Upon arriving I witnessed a mom telling her kid "shut your goddamn mouth" as she smacked him in the mouth this was shocking to me. 

I'm pretty sure I've asked my kid to shut his mouth before.No I'm definitely sure I've told my kid to shut his mouth. His goddamn mouth? No not so much. Then proceed to smack him in the face? No way,over the line.Yes we all dreamed of smacking Veruca Salt, but that was a movie. 

 BUT I didn't want to judge this mom I was trying really hard.She had three kids with her, she was obviously stressed to the max,Christmas shopping in Walmart!! I get it we all have our moments where were just filled with rage because we cannot understand why these tiny human beings want to test us,push us,push their sisters, push their brothers,(literal and not). They want to push boundaries,they can't just listen to what they're told,and why oh why can't they just live up to the human being you need them to be at that exact moment!!

 BUT the fact that this "mother" had the audacity to smack her child in the face in public was (obviously both pathetic and disgusting) but also had me riveted and compelled to pay attention. I couldn't walk away, I was in it now. If I left I was just as guilty as she. 

I pretended to shop, I don't even remember what the hell I was looking at,and I waited. I waited to see if this little shit deserved it.You know if he was that one kid youve seen on Nanny 911 swinging around knives, and punching his brother in the face.

BUt all I heard was "I'm tired I want to go".  "Please I'm hungry". This led to him leaning his tired body on his sisters shoulder which broke out in chaos. I don't know if the mom heard any of this. She turned around and screamed "what is your problem?! Goddammit act right!!" And jerked the oldest kids arm. 

It was her. It was her fault. They weren't cussing, they weren't trying to steal, they weren't calling their mom a bitch, they were saying please I'm tired I want to go home.They had enough. They had surpassed their limit. 

Children have a limit and when that limit hits its peak they turn into gremlins.They become  bloodsucking psychopaths that are ready to beat up their brothers and sisters any given second. 

Do they need to be punished for that?

 I don't think so.The parent is the person in charge. The parent is suppose to give them the tools to deal with these emotions.So if her kids are failing in Walmart,she is failing in Walmart.i don't think a child should be punished because you suck at your job. 

Maybe you need a timeout. 

I was extremely tempted to walk up to her and give her some of her own medicine but I figured I would end up on some 20/20 episode about fights and Walmart so I stopped myself. 

Instead I stared hard enough that she could feel my glare penetrating her personal bubble.She eventually turned and looked at me. I locked eyes with her long enough so she could know "I see you! You're not in your house beating up your kid for no one to see, you're in Walmart and I see you!!"

 I sensed she was a little embarrassed but who knows. I continued to shop feeling anxious and uncomfortable so it was extremely unenjoyable.I was able to get the things I needed. Maybe this was my karma for shopping at Walmart. 

 

I thought writing this experience would make me feel better,like most of my writing does,but I don't feel better. 

There are kids everyday being taught wrong or not being taught at all.Then they become labeled as the "bad kids" the "little shits" and the kids who don't get invited to birthday parties.Truth is, it's not their fault. Kids are playdoh man, they're  what you mold them to be. As a parent you have one job....DONT SUCK!  

NOW I FEEL BETTER. 

We Flawless

You wake up, Flawless...

You post up, Flawless...

Ride round in it, Flawless...

Flossin on that, Flawless...

I woke up like this 

I woke up like this.....

We Flawless, kids tell 'em...

I woke up like this

I woke up like this 

We flawless, kids tell 'em 

I woke up like this 

I woke up like this 

I'm so crown, crown bitches 

We flawless. 

"The Look"

I'm not young. I'm 31 but in my mind I'm pushing 56. I've been a mom for over a decade and sometimes when I only have Zoe (my 1 year old) with me, I catch women in public still giving me " the look". 

For those of you who don't know " the look", you are obviously " the lookers". 

"The look"can take different forms and can mean different things.....

1. The look of judgement.....

"That's what happens when babies have babies". 

"You have more then one father in the picture" 

"She's probably on welfare"

2. The look "you'll see one day".....

"You'll see when you have kids" 

" you'll see when you have more then one" 

" you'll see when they are teenagers"

3. The look of concern .....

"Is that healthy?"

" Is that safe" ?

" Does he do that ALL the time"?

  It first happened to me 13 years ago when I was a knocked up 18 year old soon to be single mom. I was in line at a 7 eleven with my roommate and bff getting an "I'm hungry at 11:30 at night" snack, and I was complaining that I was so tired of throwing up all day and all night. The woman in front of us being rung up turned around, looked down at my 7 1/2 month belly, looked back up at me, and simultaneously rolled her eyes and smirked. "The look", número uno. 

In a total of  3 seconds she obliterated me. She made me feel less than by a glance. Yes it was my own insecurities about my decisions I had made and the uncertainty about my unborn child's future, that was causing me to scrutinize and judge my own self every passing second. But on top of that, now I had this new shame coming from a stranger  buying wet cat food and a $5 scratcher at a corner store at 11:39 at night!! 

She turned back around quickly, probably realizing I could see her judging me. She left without looking back. 

Some days I wish I had said something or gave her a big 

but in the end it would have justified her idea of me. 

I received many looks of judgement throughout the next 2 years. It didn't matter that I had a full time job that supported myself, my child, and my mothers emergency fix it fund, not due to her alcoholism ( wink wink ). People saw what they wanted to see. 

Skip ahead a few years and I'm 22 and married. I own a restaurant ( which I waitress and bookkeep 7 days a week), and have 3 kids. I was waitressing one night and it was fairly busy. This couple was eating and they were letting their 3 year old run around the restaurant. This little girl was not only running up to the chef counter, up to people's tables, she almost knocked me over when she slapped me on the leg and screamed "base!!"

I had it!! I walked over to the mom and hinted as politely as I could that if she had her daughter sit down I could bring crayons, paper, rope or something. Then she responded with " the look " número dos. 

This look meant you'll see when you have  kids how hard it is to make them sit in a restaurant.  She pulled her daughter to the table which sent the child into " Kim Kardashian loses her diamond earrings" tantrum. 

"I'm sorry honey but the lady said you need to sit".

The mother glared at me from across the room. I knew what she was thinking " I hate you bitch watch when you have kids!! You have no idea!!!"

Pretty quickly after I took the couple plus one their check. I apologized to the little demon for making her sit down. I let her know that when my 3 kids come to the restaurant I make them sit down too, and maybe next time they would be around and she could meet them. 

The mother turned shocked and said       "You have three kids!!?! You look so young!!" 

CHECK MATE. 

The most recent time I've gotten "the look" was when it was just Zoe and I. It's not that I think I look super duper young. I just think I finally look the age where I would have 1 kid ( not four).  So naturally people assume Zoe is my only child. 

BUT  she's not. 

I have four kids and I'm tired. I put out fires on the daily. I am constantly trying to keep them from killing each other. I answer questions with screams from another room. I wash clothes like I'm an employee at the Doubletree hotel. I beg for empathy from own children. I'm in survival mode. 

So the days when it's just me and Zoe ( 2 days a week the others go with their dad) I'm like a dirty hippie on Pacific Avenue....

No rules. 

No schedule. 

No stress. 

But it turns out that it's not so popular to tie your daughter to a shopping cart with your scarf when the belt is broken. It also not cool to let your one year old be bare foot anywhere except a heroin needle filled park( then it's okay). Also baby talk doesn't go over well. Some time between   13 years ago and now EVERYTHING changed. People give the look any time you are doing something different,  out of the box, or simply what works for you. 

The third look, Número Tres, is pretty much the worst. It's the "your not doing it right" look. 

" Oh you use that brand". 

" That's all she's gonna eat?!?!"

" Does she have sunblock on?" 

It's the assumption that I have no clue what I'm doing that really gets me. I want to scream to the world I have 4 kids!!! I've been doing this FOREVER.....

But like I said I'm tired. I don't boil bottles anymore. I let her cry. I wait til the diaper have soaked at least a gallon of pee before I change her. 

I guess what I'm saying is I no longer care who's looking or how they are looking. I'm doing a fine job. They have survived and so have I. So the next time you feel someone giving you the look let it just roll right off. You got this!! This is your shit!! And if you must close your eyes and look a higher power, he said it best.... 

P.T.A.... Stands for.... Please Try Again

             Ever since I was little I have always been the first to help. Whether it was helping my friends clean and organize their room before we could play,(really i just wanted to score points in hopes of being adopted).I was always the first to help an old lady across the street. Yes sometimes she would give me money as a thank you, but that's not the point.And who could forget the time I threw bread out the back window of the car to a homeless crackhead on the way out of the grocery store parking lot,( sorry grandmother).

           I have always been able to put others first and think of the greater good. So of course parenting came natural. I woke up in the middle of the night to infantile screams of hunger with a smile on my face. I wiped markered covered faces with pleasure. I shopped for groceries and pulled a stroller simultaneously with ease. I was made for this! I was a giving, helping, loving, multi-tasking, motherly God!!!!

    So when the head of the Stroller Mommy Divas (what i now refer to them as) approached me about being a part of my children's Home and School Club I jumped out of my skin with joy. The thought of meeting with these women once a week to plan for our children's future. I couldn't wait to be part of the next fundraiser or plan the next festival. I mean I had already been volunteering in their classes and going on feildtrips but it wasn't enough. I wanted to do more.

            My assignments included me begging businesses to give me free stuff to auction off or stapling newsletters, but mainly sitting around listening to women gossip about their lives and passively trying to "one up" each other. They had soooo much time on their hands because they all had nannies. 

Here I was working, raising my kids and trying to volunteer my time for what! To listen to these women talk about their yoga classes and watch them drink their "grande mocha chai hold the foam".Don't get me wrong, to each their own, but I wasn't that kind of mom. I was hands on. I was busy . I was tired . I didn't have time to hang out for three hours to plan a cake walk. Its simple...numbers,cake,music,walk...DONE. What the hell were they talking about . 

            Needless to say I went back to just volunteering in the classroom. I even hung out with the nannies. It was a lot more fun changing their little lives by teaching them how to hold a pencil right or how to cut a circle, then it was drinking coffee and socializing.

Side Note: Hey PTA Lady ....next year find me....I'll write a check!